first aired : 10/17/96 director : Andy Ackerman writer : Jennifer Crittenden Characters : Jerry Seinfeld as Jerry Seinfeld Michael Richards as Cosmo Kramer Jason Alexander as George Costanza and Julia Louis-Dreyfus as Elaine Benes ================================================================ Elaine at the doctor's Attendant : The doctor will be with you in a moment . Elaine looking at her chart Elaine : Difficult ? Doctor : Elaine . You shouldn't be reading that . So tell me about this rash of yours . Elaine : Well it's , it's ..... You know I noticed that somebody wrote in my chart that I was difficult in January of 92 and I have to tell you that I remember that appointment exactly . You see this nurse asked me to put a gown on but it was a mole on my shoulder and I specifically wore a tank top so I wouldn't have to put a gown on . You know there made of paper . Doctor : Well that was a long time ago . How about if I just erase it. Now about that rash ...... Elaine : But it was in pen . You fake erase . Doctor : All right Miss Benes . This doesn't look to serious . You'll be fine . Elaine : What are you writing ? Doctor . George at Photo Shop Sheila : Here you go . George : Thanks . Sheila : I hope you got that mustard stain out of your shirt . George : Ohhhhhh Jerry , Kramer , and George at the apartment Jerry : No . All you got to do is jiggle it with this screwdriver . George : Smile Jerry : What are you doing ? George : I meet this women , Sheila . She works down at the one hour photo pace . She's got this incredible smile . Like she's got extra teeth or something Jerry : Extra teeth . I love that look . George : Hey check this out . I go to pick up my pictures and she says " I hope you got that mustard stain out of your shirt ." Jerry : What mustard stain ? George : Don't you see . She's looking at my pictures . Jerry : Why did you take a picture of a mustard stain ? George : That's got nothing to do with it . Jerry : I see . She's looking . George : Yesssss . Kramer : Hey , you got to get this thing fixed . Jerry : They've tried to fix it . But it keeps coming back the same . Kramer : Would you like a refund ? Jerry : Well I can't the warranty expired two years ago . Kramer : Would you be interested ? Jerry : Well how are you going ..... Kramer : Would you ? Jerry : I guess I would . Kramer : Yeah , yeah . Elaine walks in Elaine : You are not going to believe what happened to me at the doctors office today . Jerry : Not the gown again . Elaine : No , no . I was looking at my chart and it said I was difficult . Why would they write that ? Jerry : They have gotten to know you . Kramer leaves with Jerry's stereo Elaine : Then the doctor writes more stuff down and doesn't even look at my rash . George : Why don't you find a doctor that doesn't know your difficult . Elaine : Oh come on . I'm not difficult . I'm easy . Jerry : Why because you dress casual and sleep with a lot of guys . Elaine : Listen to me you little shi........ George : Smile . Elaine at another doctor's office Doctor : Well Elaine you really didn't have to put on the gown . Elaine : Oh it's my pleasure . I love these . In fact I got one at home. It's perfect when you just want to throw something on . Nurse hands the doctor her chart Doctor : All rightly . Let me just review your history before we begin . Elaine : Where did you get my chart ? Doctor : From your last doctor . It's a standard procedure . Elaine : You know I can tell you my whole history . Let's just ....... Doctor : Okay . Let's take a look . Well that doesn't look to serious. You'll be fine . Elaine : Please , please . It's really , really itchy . Doctor writes more stuff in her chart Jerry at apartment Knock , knock Postal Worker : Seinfeld ? Jerry : Yeah . Postal Worker : I got a package for you . Sign here . Jerry : Who's it from ? Postal Worker : No return address . Jerry : What if I don't want it ? Postal Worker : Are you refusing delivery ? Jerry : Maybe I am . Postal Worker : Why would you do that ? Jerry : I've never done it before . Postal Worker : Why start now ? Jerry : Why not ? Postal Worker : All right . George walks in George : Why did you refuse the package . Everybody loves a package . Jerry : I don't know it was weird . Crazy printing . I don't know who it was from . George : What do you think it's a bomb ? Jerry : It's not totally impossible . George : Oh the ego on you . Jerry : Why can't I be bombable ? George : Who's going to bomb you . An airline for all the stupid little peanut jokes . Jerry : I suppose you think your bombable . George : Hey . There is a couple of people that wouldn't mind having me out of the way . Jerry : There's more than a couple . George : Hey . Check these out . I just picked them up from Sheila. She must have loved these . Jerry : You don't have a Mercedes . George : I know . I just sort of leaned on it so it would look like it was mine . Jerry : The driver seems a little put out . George : No . He was fine with it . Check that out . Jerry : Is that Burt Reynolds ? George : Wax Museum . Jerry : Oh. George : Oh . What is this ? Jerry : That's a lot of skin . George : This must be Sheila from the photo place . Jerry : You can barely see her face . George : She must have slipped it in here . Kramer walks in Kramer : I I I George : Photo store Sheila . Kramer : Well hello Photo store Sheila . George : All right . I will see you boys later . Jerry : Where are you going ? George : To ask her out . Kramer : No , no . Your not playing the game . George : What game ? Kramer : She goes to these lengths to entice you and your only response is " Gee I really like your picture . Would you like to go out on a date with me please . " George : No good ? Kramer : George . It's the timeless art of seduction . You got to join in the dance . She sends you an enticing photo , you send her one right back . George : Oh , I don't know . Kramer : Well as you know I've always been something of a photog . Jerry : Oh yeah I like this idea . Outside Uncle Leo's apartment Uncle Leo : Hey Danny . Hello . How are you ? Postal Worker Danny : Hey Leo . Leo what's up with your nephew. He wouldn't except his package . Uncle Leo : Oh He wants it . He's just trying to be funny . Yeah I'll sign it . George and Elaine in taxi Elaine : And then he starts writing on my chart . George : Well why don't you get a hold of it and change what you don't like . Elaine : You can't change your chart . It's your chart . George : I am in and out of my personnel file at work all the time . Elaine : You are !?! George : Hey . I've kept the same job for more than two years . It's not luck . Elaine , have you ever sent a racy photograph of yourself to anyone ? Elaine : Yeah . I sent one to everyone I know . Remember my Christmas card . George : Oh yeah the nipple . But besides that . How did you feel about Kramer's work ? Elaine : Actually I thought he was very professional . George : So it was a good experience . Elaine : Oh yeah . In fact I like the picture so much I cropped out the nipple and am using as my health club ID . George : Nice . Elaine : Yeah it is nice actually . Elaine at another doctors Elaine : I need to see Dr. Burke right away . This rash is spreading. Attendant : He can't see you Miss Benes , he's busy . Elaine : Oh come on . Have some compassion . Okay well I hope it's contagious Elaine rubs the attendants phone on her neck . Soon after Elaine finds her chart and runs to the elevator Elaine : Come on . Move . Oh hi Dr. Burke . I didn't know if uh.... Dr. Burke : The chart Miss Benes . Elaine : Oh please no more . The doctor writes more stuff in it Jerry at his apartment George walks in Jerry : Hey George : Where's Kramer ? Jerry : He went to get some steak sauce . Why ? George : Personal matter . Phone rings Jerry : Hello Uncle Leo : Jerry ! It's your Uncle Leo ! Hello ! Jerry : Hello Leo . You don't have to yell . Uncle Leo : I got your package . Jerry : How did you get my package ? Uncle Leo : What should I do with it ? Jerry : I don't know what you should do with it . George : Tell him to open it . Jerry : I am not going to treat my uncle like a bomb defusing robot. Uncle Leo : Jerry , Your cousin Jeffrey is in the Parks Production of The Macardo . I want you to go see it with me . Jerry : Open the package Leo . Uncle Leo : Okay . Opening . Jerry : Opening . BOOM !!! Elaine and Jerry at apartment Elaine : So it wasn't a bomb . Jerry : No , No bomb . Elaine : Well then what ? Jerry : Oh stupid Leo was using one of those oven cleaners . He left the canister in there and the pilot light was on . The whole thing blew up . Elaine : But he's okay ? Jerry : Yeah but the explosion singed off his eyebrows , mustache everything . He's all smooth now . Look's like a seal . Elaine on phone Elaine : Yeah I am still holding . Jerry opens his package Jerry : Is this my stereo ? Kramer walks in Kramer : Hey you got it . Jerry : What happened to my stereo ? It's all smashed up . Kramer : That's right . Now it looks like it was broken during shipping and I insured it for $400 . Jerry : But you were supposed to get me a refund . Kramer : You can't get a refund . Your warranty expired two years ago . Jerry : So were going to make the Post Office pay for my new stereo ? Kramer : It's just a write off for them . Jerry : How is it a write off ? Kramer : They just write it off . Jerry : Write it off what ? Kramer : Jerry all these big companies they write off everything Jerry : You don't even know what a write off is . Kramer : Do you ? Jerry : No . I don't . Kramer : But they do and they are the ones writing it off . Jerry : I wish I just had the last twenty seconds of my life back . Elaine still on phone Elaine : What ?!? He doesn't have one appointment this whole month !?! Oh come on . I am dying here man . Hello , hello . Jerry : Still no luck Kramer leaves with a fan Elaine : Jerry I am at doctor Zimmerman . I am at the end of the alphabet . Jerry : There's no Zorn or Zoutraph . Elaine : There on vacation . Every doctor in this city seems to know who I am . Jerry : Hey what about Dr. Resnick My Uncle Leo is going to see him tomorrow . Elaine : Dr. Resnick . He's not listed . Jerry : He's not that good . Kramer and George at Kramer's apartment George : Elaine said your pretty good at this stuff . Kramer : Oh yeah . Elaine was a fun project . I enjoyed working with her . George : You don't have your own camera . Kramer : Uh no . Look at this . Okay yeah this looks good and I like what your wearing . George : I feel fat . Kramer : No, no . You're stoked . The camera loves stokedness . Look were not going to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable . The key word is tasteful . Now I want you to relax and have fun because your a fun guy . All right let's do it . Okay come on . Feel the beat . Feel the beat . You know you got some real strong pecks but it's hard to tell under that T-shirt . George : Well do you want me to take it off ? Kramer : I don't know it's up to you . George : Do you think it would be better if I did ? Kramer : It might be . I mean whatever you want . George : ALL RIGHT !! Kramer ; That's it George . Come on , come on . Give it to me . Come on ,work it . Work it . Yeah be a man , be a man . Jerry leaving apartment Kramer : You are a lover boy !! Jerry : Oh yeah . This can't miss . Elaine sleeping in bed Phone rings Elaine : Hello . Guy : Is this Elaine Marie Benes ? Elaine : Yes . Who it this ? Guy : We are with the American Medical Association . Can you confirm the correct spelling of your last name ? Is it B-e-n-e-s . Elaine : Yeah . What is this all about Guy : Good bye . Elaine : Hello , hello . Guy : What ? Elaine : Oh uh uh ... Guy : Get off the line . Were trying to make another call . Uncle Leo and Elaine at Dr. Resnick's office Uncle Leo : Elaine . Hello . What are you doing here ? Elaine : Leo . Has the doctor been in yet ? Uncle Leo : No . I am going to ask him about my eyebrows . Elaine : Okay listen Leo . Your hairless , your scared . When the doctor comes in let me do the talking . Okay . Dr. Resnick walks in Dr. Resnick : Leo . I heard you had a little mishap . Uncle Leo : It was a fireball . Elaine : I should have never left him alone . Dr. Resnick : And who are you ? Elaine : I am his nurse ... Poloma . Uncle Leo : You're not my nurse . Elaine : He has good days and bad . Dr. Resnick : What seems to be the problem ? Uncle Leo : Are my eyebrows going to grow back ? Elaine : And he's has a bit of a rash . Dr. Resnick : Really . Elaine : Yeah . Dr. Resnick : Well there's been a bit of that going around lately . Will you excuse me Poloma . I just need to get some ointment . Elaine : I don't like this , it is to easy . Uncle Leo : Elaine ... Elaine : Shut up ! I think he's on to us . Uncle Leo : Elaine what about my eyebrows ? Elaine : Shhhhhh . Here . Elaine draws fake eyebrows on him Kramer and Jerry at Post Office Jerry : I don't like this Kramer . Will it be much longer ? Attendant : I am sorry . It looks like the claim has been red flagged. Your under investigation . Jerry : Investigation ? Newman : Hello Jerry . Jerry : Hello Newman . Newman : Kramer you might as well run along . Jerry might be a while . Suspicion of mail fraud . Kramer : Mail fraud . Your in a lot of trouble buddy . Uncle Leo at Dr. Resnick's office Dr. Resnick : I got your ointment . Where's your nurse ? Uncle Leo : She left . Dr. Resnick : No need to get angry . Calm down . Uncle Leo : I am calm . Dr. Resnick : Leo I don't care for your demeanor . Uncle Leo : Demeanor ? Dr. Resnick : Now your just being difficult . Uncle Leo : What are you writing ? George at photo store George : So I really liked the pictures I picked up here yesterday . Sheila : I am glad George . George : And here's a roll that I think you may enjoy . Sheila : Great . George : Shall we say an hour . George leaves Sheila : Hey Ron I got to go to lunch . Can you do a roll ? Ron : No problem . Sheila : By the way . You know that model that is always in here . She's missing one of her lingerie shots . Have you seen it ? Ron : No . Jerry and Newman at the Post Office Newman : All right . Then let me ask you this . Didn't you find it interesting that your friend had the foresight to purchase postal insurance for your stereo . Huh . I mean parcels are rarely damaged during shipping . Jerry : Define rarely . Newman : Frequently . Jerry : Are we about throw here Newman ? Newman : It's pretty hot under these lights huh Seinfeld . Pretty ....... Hot . Jerry : Actually I am quite comfortable . Newman : Can I have a sip ? Jerry : No . Newman : Not going to play ball . Huh all right . Admit it that stereo was all ready busted . Jerry : You can't prove anything . Newman : Is this or is this not your signature ? Jerry : No in a matter of fact it isn't . Newman : Uncle Leo ? This case is closed pending further evidence . Jerry . Kramer and Elaine at doctor's Elaine : Get in there . Get chart . Get out . You got it . Kramer : Yeah let me borrow your scarf . Elaine : This . Kramer : Yeah . All right one chart coming up . Elaine : Okay . Kramer : Bennette right ? Elaine : Benes . My last name is Benes you jackass . Yeah . Newman walking down the street Newman : Jerry , Jerry , Jerry , Jerry , Jerry , Jerry , Jerry , Jerry , Jerry . Kramer at doctor's Kramer : I like what you've done with that . Attendant : May I help you ? Kramer : Yes , yes . I am Dr. Vanostran from the clinic . I need Elaine Benes chart . She's a patient of mine and she's not going to make it . It's uh very bad very messy . Attendant : I see and what clinic is that again ? Kramer : That's correct . Attendant : Excuse me . Kramer : From The Hoffer-Mandale Clinic in Belgium . Attendant : Really ? Kramer : The Netherlands ? Elaine : Where's my chart ? Did you get it ? Kramer : No . Elaine : What ? What happened ? Kramer : I don't know . But now they got a chart on me . George at photo store Sheila : I don't know where they could be . George : Can't find them . That's marvelous . The dance continues. Sheila : Well if I find them I'll call you . George : And maybe we could go out and do something . Sheila : Sure . Ron : Hello . George : Hi . George leaves Sheila : So the little guy finally asked me out . Ron : Really ? Sheila : Hey I can't find his photo's anywhere . Ron : Oh you know what happened . Some guy from the Post Office confiscated them . He left his card . Sheila : Newman ? George and Jerry at Post Office George : I don't know what Newman wanted to see me for . Newman ; Gentlemen , gentlemen . I am so happy to see you both. There is just some inconsistencies I'd like to straighten out . Jerry : I'm clean and you know it . Newman : Clean ? Hardly . This looks like a man that isn't happy with his stereo performance . Jerry : Where did you get that ? George : I think that's one of mine . Newman : It looks like your breaking into it like an otter breaking into a clam. Jerry : I don't know about that but I'm sure there is a explanation . Newman : Yes . It's called mail fraud . Oohhhh . How I've longed for this moment Seinfeld . The day when I would have the proof I needed to hall you out of your cushy lair and expose to the light of justice as the monster that you are . A monster so vile ..... Guy : NEWMAN !! Newman : There will be a small fine . Jerry : Okay . George : Can we go now ? Newman: Not so fast pretty boy . There is more to this sorted little affair . Jerry : Oh my god !! Newman : This photo clearly indicates your involvement in some ill-conceived mail order pornography ring .As does this one found in the same disturbing packet . Newman holds up a picture of Ron George : OH MY GOD !!! Newman : We have some questions we'd like you to answer . Jerry : I have some questions of my own . Sheila walks in Sheila : Hi . One of your mailmen ....... Oh my god , George !?! George : Listen Sheila it's not what you think . I put my trust into the wrong person . He said the key word was tasteful . Jerry : The timeless art of seduction . George : SHEILA !!!