first aired : 10/17/96

director : Andy Ackerman

writer : Jennifer Crittenden

Characters :

Jerry Seinfeld as Jerry Seinfeld

Michael Richards as Cosmo Kramer

Jason Alexander as George Costanza

and

Julia Louis-Dreyfus as Elaine Benes 

================================================================

Elaine at the doctor's 

Attendant : The doctor will be with you in a moment . 

Elaine looking at her chart 

Elaine : Difficult ?

Doctor : Elaine . You shouldn't be reading that . So tell me about this rash 

of yours . 

Elaine : Well it's , it's ..... You know I noticed that somebody wrote in my 

chart that I was difficult in January of 92 and I have to tell you that I 

remember that appointment exactly . You see this nurse asked me to put a gown 

on but it was a mole on my shoulder and I specifically wore a tank top so I 

wouldn't have to put a gown on . You know there made of paper . 

Doctor : Well that was a long time ago . How about if I just erase it. Now 

about that rash ......

Elaine : But it was in pen . You fake erase .

Doctor : All right Miss Benes . This doesn't look to serious . You'll be fine 

. 

Elaine : What are you writing ? Doctor . 

George at Photo Shop

Sheila : Here you go . 

George : Thanks . 

Sheila : I hope you got that mustard stain out of your shirt . 

George : Ohhhhhh 

Jerry , Kramer , and George at the apartment 

Jerry : No . All you got to do is jiggle it with this screwdriver . 

George : Smile 

Jerry : What are you doing ?

George : I meet this women , Sheila . She works down at the one hour photo 

pace . She's got this incredible smile . Like she's got extra teeth or something 

Jerry : Extra teeth . I love that look . 

George : Hey check this out . I go to pick up my pictures and she says " I 

hope you got that mustard stain out of your shirt ."

Jerry : What mustard stain ?

George : Don't you see . She's looking at my pictures . 

Jerry : Why did you take a picture of a mustard stain ?

George : That's got nothing to do with it . 

Jerry : I see . She's looking . 

George : Yesssss . 

Kramer : Hey , you got to get this thing fixed . 

Jerry : They've tried to fix it . But it keeps coming back the same . 

Kramer : Would you like a refund ?

Jerry : Well I can't the warranty expired two years ago . 

Kramer : Would you be interested ?

Jerry : Well how are you going .....

Kramer : Would you ?

Jerry : I guess I would . 

Kramer : Yeah , yeah . 

Elaine walks in 

Elaine : You are not going to believe what happened to me at the doctors 

office today . 

Jerry : Not the gown again .

Elaine : No , no . I was looking at my chart and it said I was difficult . Why 

would they write that ?

Jerry : They have gotten to know you . 

Kramer leaves with Jerry's stereo 

Elaine : Then the doctor writes more stuff down and doesn't even look at my 

rash . 

George : Why don't you find a doctor that doesn't know your difficult . 

Elaine : Oh come on . I'm not difficult . I'm easy . 

Jerry : Why because you dress casual and sleep with a lot of guys . 

Elaine : Listen to me you little shi........

George : Smile .

Elaine at another doctor's office

Doctor : Well Elaine you really didn't have to put on the gown . 

Elaine : Oh it's my pleasure . I love these . In fact I got one at home. It's 

perfect when you just want to throw something on . 

Nurse hands the doctor her chart 

Doctor : All rightly . Let me just review your history before we begin . 

Elaine : Where did you get my chart ?

Doctor : From your last doctor . It's a standard procedure . 

Elaine : You know I can tell you my whole history . Let's just .......

Doctor : Okay . Let's take a look . Well that doesn't look to serious. You'll 

be fine . 

Elaine : Please , please . It's really , really itchy . 

Doctor writes more stuff in her chart

Jerry at apartment 

Knock , knock 

Postal Worker : Seinfeld ?

Jerry : Yeah . 

Postal Worker : I got a package for you . Sign here . 

Jerry : Who's it from ?

Postal Worker : No return address . 

Jerry : What if I don't want it ?

Postal Worker : Are you refusing delivery ?

Jerry : Maybe I am .

Postal Worker : Why would you do that ?

Jerry : I've never done it before . 

Postal Worker : Why start now ?

Jerry : Why not ?

Postal Worker : All right . 

George walks in 

George : Why did you refuse the package . Everybody loves a package . 

Jerry : I don't know it was weird . Crazy printing . I don't know who it was 

from . 

George : What do you think it's a bomb ?

Jerry : It's not totally impossible . 

George : Oh the ego on you . 

Jerry : Why can't I be bombable ?

George : Who's going to bomb you . An airline for all the stupid little peanut 

jokes . 

Jerry : I suppose you think your bombable . 

George : Hey . There is a couple of people that wouldn't mind having me out of 

the way . 

Jerry : There's more than a couple . 

George : Hey . Check these out . I just picked them up from Sheila. She must 

have loved these .

Jerry : You don't have a Mercedes . 

George : I know . I just sort of leaned on it so it would look like it was 

mine . 

Jerry : The driver seems a little put out . 

George : No . He was fine with it . Check that out . 

Jerry : Is that Burt Reynolds ?

George : Wax Museum . 

Jerry : Oh. 

George : Oh . What is this ?

Jerry : That's a lot of skin . 

George : This must be Sheila from the photo place . 

Jerry : You can barely see her face . 

George : She must have slipped it in here . 

Kramer walks in

Kramer : I I I 

George : Photo store Sheila . 

Kramer : Well hello Photo store Sheila . 

George : All right . I will see you boys later . 

Jerry : Where are you going ?

George : To ask her out . 

Kramer : No , no . Your not playing the game . 

George : What game ?

Kramer : She goes to these lengths to entice you and your only response is " 

Gee I really like your picture . Would you like to go out on a date with me 

please . " 

George : No good ?

Kramer : George . It's the timeless art of seduction . You got to join in the 

dance . She sends you an enticing photo , you send her one right back . 

George : Oh , I don't know .

Kramer : Well as you know I've always been something of a photog . 

Jerry : Oh yeah I like this idea . 

Outside Uncle Leo's apartment 

Uncle Leo : Hey Danny . Hello . How are you ?

Postal Worker Danny : Hey Leo . Leo what's up with your nephew. He wouldn't 

except his package . 

Uncle Leo : Oh He wants it . He's just trying to be funny . Yeah I'll sign it 

. 

George and Elaine in taxi 

Elaine : And then he starts writing on my chart . 

George : Well why don't you get a hold of it and change what you don't like . 

Elaine : You can't change your chart . It's your chart . 

George : I am in and out of my personnel file at work all the time . 

Elaine : You are !?!

George : Hey . I've kept the same job for more than two years . It's not luck 

. Elaine , have you ever sent a racy photograph of yourself to anyone ?

Elaine : Yeah . I sent one to everyone I know . Remember my Christmas card . 

George : Oh yeah the nipple . But besides that . How did you feel about 

Kramer's work ?

Elaine : Actually I thought he was very professional . 

George : So it was a good experience . 

Elaine : Oh yeah . In fact I like the picture so much I cropped out the nipple 

and am using as my health club ID . 

George : Nice . 

Elaine : Yeah it is nice actually . 

Elaine at another doctors

Elaine : I need to see Dr. Burke right away . This rash is spreading.

Attendant : He can't see you Miss Benes , he's busy . 

Elaine : Oh come on . Have some compassion . Okay well I hope it's contagious 

Elaine rubs the attendants phone on her neck . Soon after Elaine finds her 

chart and runs to the elevator 

Elaine : Come on . Move . Oh hi Dr. Burke . I didn't know if uh....

Dr. Burke : The chart Miss Benes . 

Elaine : Oh please no more . 

The doctor writes more stuff in it 

Jerry at his apartment 

George walks in 

Jerry : Hey 

George : Where's Kramer ?

Jerry : He went to get some steak sauce . Why ?

George : Personal matter . 

Phone rings 

Jerry : Hello 

Uncle Leo : Jerry ! It's your Uncle Leo ! Hello ! 

Jerry : Hello Leo . You don't have to yell . 

Uncle Leo : I got your package . 

Jerry : How did you get my package ?

Uncle Leo : What should I do with it ?

Jerry : I don't know what you should do with it . 

George : Tell him to open it . 

Jerry : I am not going to treat my uncle like a bomb defusing robot. 

Uncle Leo : Jerry , Your cousin Jeffrey is in the Parks Production of The 

Macardo . I want you to go see it with me . 

Jerry : Open the package Leo . 

Uncle Leo : Okay . Opening . 

Jerry : Opening . 

BOOM !!!

Elaine and Jerry at apartment 

Elaine : So it wasn't a bomb . 

Jerry : No , No bomb . 

Elaine : Well then what ?

Jerry : Oh stupid Leo was using one of those oven cleaners . He left the 

canister in there and the pilot light was on . The whole thing blew up . 

Elaine : But he's okay ?

Jerry : Yeah but the explosion singed off his eyebrows , mustache everything . 

He's all smooth now . Look's like a seal . 

Elaine on phone 

Elaine : Yeah I am still holding . 

Jerry opens his package 

Jerry : Is this my stereo ?

Kramer walks in 

Kramer : Hey you got it .

Jerry : What happened to my stereo ? It's all smashed up . 

Kramer : That's right . Now it looks like it was broken during shipping and I 

insured it for $400 . 

Jerry : But you were supposed to get me a refund . 

Kramer : You can't get a refund . Your warranty expired two years ago . 

Jerry : So were going to make the Post Office pay for my new stereo ?

Kramer : It's just a write off for them . 

Jerry : How is it a write off ?

Kramer : They just write it off . 

Jerry : Write it off what ?

Kramer : Jerry all these big companies they write off everything 

Jerry : You don't even know what a write off is .

Kramer : Do you ?

Jerry : No . I don't . 

Kramer : But they do and they are the ones writing it off . 

Jerry : I wish I just had the last twenty seconds of my life back . 

Elaine still on phone 

Elaine : What ?!? He doesn't have one appointment this whole month !?! Oh come 

on . I am dying here man . Hello , hello . 

Jerry : Still no luck 

Kramer leaves with a fan 

Elaine : Jerry I am at doctor Zimmerman . I am at the end of the alphabet . 

Jerry : There's no Zorn or Zoutraph . 

Elaine : There on vacation . Every doctor in this city seems to know who I am 

. 

Jerry : Hey what about Dr. Resnick My Uncle Leo is going to see him tomorrow 

. 

Elaine : Dr. Resnick . He's not listed . 

Jerry : He's not that good .

Kramer and George at Kramer's apartment 

George : Elaine said your pretty good at this stuff . 

Kramer : Oh yeah . Elaine was a fun project . I enjoyed working with her . 

George : You don't have your own camera . 

Kramer : Uh no . Look at this . Okay yeah this looks good and I like what your 

wearing . 

George : I feel fat . 

Kramer : No, no . You're stoked . The camera loves stokedness . Look were not 

going to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable . The key word is 

tasteful . Now I want you to relax and have fun because your a fun guy . All 

right let's do it . Okay come on . Feel the beat . Feel the beat . You know 

you got some real strong pecks but it's hard to tell under that T-shirt . 

George : Well do you want me to take it off ?

Kramer : I don't know it's up to you . 

George : Do you think it would be better if I did ?

Kramer : It might be . I mean whatever you want . 

George : ALL RIGHT !!

Kramer ; That's it George . Come on , come on . Give it to me . Come on ,work 

it . Work it . Yeah be a man , be a man . 

Jerry leaving apartment 

Kramer : You are a lover boy !!

Jerry : Oh yeah . This can't miss . 

Elaine sleeping in bed 

Phone rings 

Elaine : Hello . 

Guy : Is this Elaine Marie Benes ?

Elaine : Yes . Who it this ?

Guy : We are with the American Medical Association . Can you confirm the 

correct spelling of your last name ? Is it B-e-n-e-s . 

Elaine : Yeah . What is this all about 

Guy : Good bye . 

Elaine : Hello , hello .

Guy : What ?

Elaine : Oh uh uh ...

Guy : Get off the line . Were trying to make another call . 

Uncle Leo and Elaine at Dr. Resnick's office

Uncle Leo : Elaine . Hello . What are you doing here ?

Elaine : Leo . Has the doctor been in yet ?

Uncle Leo : No . I am going to ask him about my eyebrows .

Elaine : Okay listen Leo . Your hairless , your scared . When the doctor comes 

in let me do the talking . Okay . 

Dr. Resnick walks in 

Dr. Resnick : Leo . I heard you had a little mishap . 

Uncle Leo : It was a fireball . 

Elaine : I should have never left him alone . 

Dr. Resnick : And who are you ?

Elaine : I am his nurse ... Poloma . 

Uncle Leo : You're not my nurse . 

Elaine : He has good days and bad . 

Dr. Resnick : What seems to be the problem ?

Uncle Leo : Are my eyebrows going to grow back ?

Elaine : And he's has a bit of a rash .

Dr. Resnick : Really . 

Elaine : Yeah . 

Dr. Resnick : Well there's been a bit of that going around lately . Will you 

excuse me Poloma . I just need to get some ointment . 

Elaine : I don't like this , it is to easy . 

Uncle Leo : Elaine ...

Elaine : Shut up ! I think he's on to us . 

Uncle Leo : Elaine what about my eyebrows ?

Elaine : Shhhhhh . Here . 

Elaine draws fake eyebrows on him 

Kramer and Jerry at Post Office 

Jerry : I don't like this Kramer . Will it be much longer ?

Attendant : I am sorry . It looks like the claim has been red flagged. Your 

under investigation . 

Jerry : Investigation ?

Newman : Hello Jerry .

Jerry : Hello Newman . 

Newman : Kramer you might as well run along . Jerry might be a while . 

Suspicion of mail fraud . 

Kramer : Mail fraud . Your in a lot of trouble buddy . 

Uncle Leo at Dr. Resnick's office

Dr. Resnick : I got your ointment . Where's your nurse ?

Uncle Leo : She left . 

Dr. Resnick : No need to get angry . Calm down . 

Uncle Leo : I am calm . 

Dr. Resnick : Leo I don't care for your demeanor . 

Uncle Leo : Demeanor ?

Dr. Resnick : Now your just being difficult . 

Uncle Leo : What are you writing ?

George at photo store 

George : So I really liked the pictures I picked up here yesterday . 

Sheila : I am glad George . 

George : And here's a roll that I think you may enjoy . 

Sheila : Great . 

George : Shall we say an hour . 

George leaves 

Sheila : Hey Ron I got to go to lunch . Can you do a roll ?

Ron : No problem . 

Sheila : By the way . You know that model that is always in here . She's 

missing one of her lingerie shots . Have you seen it ?

Ron : No .

Jerry and Newman at the Post Office 

Newman : All right . Then let me ask you this . Didn't you find it interesting 

that your friend had the foresight to purchase postal insurance for your 

stereo . Huh . I mean parcels are rarely damaged during shipping . 

Jerry : Define rarely . 

Newman : Frequently . 

Jerry : Are we about throw here Newman ?

Newman : It's pretty hot under these lights huh Seinfeld . Pretty ....... Hot 

. 

Jerry : Actually I am quite comfortable . 

Newman : Can I have a sip ?

Jerry : No . 

Newman : Not going to play ball . Huh all right . Admit it that stereo was all 

ready busted . 

Jerry : You can't prove anything . 

Newman : Is this or is this not your signature ?

Jerry : No in a matter of fact it isn't . 

Newman : Uncle Leo ? This case is closed pending further evidence . Jerry .

Kramer and Elaine at doctor's 

Elaine : Get in there . Get chart . Get out . You got it . 

Kramer : Yeah let me borrow your scarf . 

Elaine : This . 

Kramer : Yeah . All right one chart coming up . 

Elaine : Okay . 

Kramer : Bennette right ?

Elaine : Benes . My last name is Benes you jackass . Yeah . 

Newman walking down the street 

Newman : Jerry , Jerry , Jerry , Jerry , Jerry , Jerry , Jerry , Jerry , Jerry 

. 

Kramer at doctor's 

Kramer : I like what you've done with that . 

Attendant : May I help you ?

Kramer : Yes , yes . I am Dr. Vanostran from the clinic . I need Elaine Benes 

chart . She's a patient of mine and she's not going to make it . It's uh very 

bad very messy . 

Attendant : I see and what clinic is that again ?

Kramer : That's correct . 

Attendant : Excuse me . 

Kramer : From The Hoffer-Mandale Clinic in Belgium . 

Attendant : Really ?

Kramer : The Netherlands ?

Elaine : Where's my chart ? Did you get it ?

Kramer : No . 

Elaine : What ? What happened ?

Kramer : I don't know . But now they got a chart on me . 

George at photo store 

Sheila : I don't know where they could be . 

George : Can't find them . That's marvelous . The dance continues.

Sheila : Well if I find them I'll call you . 

George : And maybe we could go out and do something . 

Sheila : Sure . 

Ron : Hello . 

George : Hi . 

George leaves 

Sheila : So the little guy finally asked me out . 

Ron : Really ?

Sheila : Hey I can't find his photo's anywhere . 

Ron : Oh you know what happened . Some guy from the Post Office confiscated 

them . He left his card . 

Sheila : Newman ?

George and Jerry at Post Office 

George : I don't know what Newman wanted to see me for .

Newman ; Gentlemen , gentlemen . I am so happy to see you both. There is just 

some inconsistencies I'd like to straighten out . 

Jerry : I'm clean and you know it .

Newman : Clean ? Hardly . This looks like a man that isn't happy with his 

stereo performance . 

Jerry : Where did you get that ?

George : I think that's one of mine . 

Newman : It looks like your breaking into it like an otter breaking into a clam. 

Jerry : I don't know about that but I'm sure there is a explanation .

Newman : Yes . It's called mail fraud . Oohhhh . How I've longed for this 

moment Seinfeld . The day when I would have the proof I needed to hall you out 

of your cushy lair and expose to the light of justice as the monster that you 

are . A monster so vile .....

Guy : NEWMAN !!

Newman : There will be a small fine . 

Jerry : Okay . 

George : Can we go now ?

Newman: Not so fast pretty boy . There is more to this sorted little affair . 

Jerry : Oh my god !!

Newman : This photo clearly indicates your involvement in some ill-conceived 

mail order pornography ring .As does this one found in the same disturbing 

packet . 

Newman holds up a picture of Ron 

George : OH MY GOD !!!

Newman : We have some questions we'd like you to answer . 

Jerry : I have some questions of my own . 

Sheila walks in 

Sheila : Hi . One of your mailmen ....... Oh my god , George !?!

George : Listen Sheila it's not what you think . I put my trust into the wrong 

person . He said the key word was tasteful . 

Jerry : The timeless art of seduction . 

George : SHEILA !!!

 

 

 

<Spell checked and reformatted by Mike "The News Guy"> 

